Mueller has questions, Trump has answers!
The special counsel Robert Mueller has a list of questions he wants to ask Donald Trump in relation to the Russia investigation. We found out the President has already sat down with the Mueller team and answered those questions. In a rare exclusive here is a copy of the transcript of that interview. The answers are both shocking and revealing.
- Q: What did you know about phone calls that Mr. Flynn made with the Russian ambassador, Sergey I. Kislyak, in late December 2016?
A: Look, All I knew was that Michael was trying to get some dirt on crooked Hillary. He said trust me I’m a General, so I did.
- Q: What was your reaction to news reports on Jan. 12, 2017, and Feb. 8-9, 2017?
A: Fake news!
- Q: What did you know about Sally Yates’s meetings about Mr. Flynn?
A: First let me say that Sally Yates is not an attractive woman. I imagine that she was bleeding from her face or where ever during that meeting and therefore that unattractive image rendered the subject of the meeting obsolete.
- Q: How was the decision made to fire Mr. Flynn on Feb. 13, 2017?
A: When the shit hits the fan I fire someone, that’s kind of my thing.
- Q: After the resignations, what efforts were made to reach out to Mr. Flynn about seeking immunity or possible pardon?
A: What efforts? I told him, “if you keep your fucking mouth shut I’ll pardon you”, that really wouldn’t require a lot of effort though.
- Q: What was your opinion of Mr. Comey during the transition?
A: James Comey is nobodies homey. He’s the real Slim Shady, not Eminem. I can deal with Eminem, he keeps it real. Shady Jim Comey on the other hand is a slime ball. He thinks he’s more popular than me, he’s weak and a liar.
- Q: What did you think about Mr. Comey’s intelligence briefing on Jan. 6, 2017, about Russian election interference?
A: First, Nothing Shady Jim ever does is intelligent. Second, No Collusion. Third, of course Russia would rather have me as President than crooked Hillary. Fourth, No Collusion!
- Q: What was your reaction to Mr. Comey’s briefing that day about other intelligence matters?
A: Again, there were no intelligent matters. Unless you count Shady Jim and Lazy Loretta calling the Clinton email investigation a matter. No Collusion!
- Q: What was the purpose of your Jan. 27, 2017, dinner with Mr. Comey, and what was said?
A: I gave Shady Jim a chance to enter the fold. He manipulated my request for loyalty by using the term honest loyalty. So shady. I knew right then I was going to have to fire this guy.
- Q: What was the purpose of your Feb. 14, 2017, meeting with Mr. Comey, and what was said?
A: I’m a very fair person, I thought I’d give him another chance to enter the fold. He failed. Sad.
- Q: What did you know about the F.B.I.’s investigation into Mr. Flynn and Russia in the days leading up to Mr. Comey’s testimony on March 20, 2017?
A: I knew there was No Collusion and Shady Jim told me I was not under investigation. Yet, people were saying things. I was hearing things. Then I said to myself, there’s No Collusion. I thought if I keep saying there’s No Collusion then this will all go away. So, I’ll say it again, No Collusion.
- Q: What did you do in reaction to the March 20 testimony? Describe your contacts with intelligence officials.
A: At this point I was certain Shady Jim was not giving me honest loyalty. I wanted to squeeze him a little. I put a few feelers out to gauge his ability to handle some heat. I told Coates to tell Shady Jim there’s No Collusion and he can shut this whole nonsense down.
- Q: What was the purpose of your calls to Mr. Comey on March 30 and April 11, 2017?
A: I thought I’d give Shady Jim one last chance to prove he could be loyal. I pointed out that I was loyal which has worked well for me in the past convincing other people that I can be loyal, but Shady Jim didn’t seem to really get it. I said No Collusion and hung up the phone.
- Q: What was the purpose of your April 11, 2017, statement to Maria Bartiromo?
A: Maria has an interesting look, not a hot look, but a sexy kind of thing going. I enjoy talking to her.
- Q: What did you think and do about Mr. Comey’s May 3, 2017, testimony?
A: First, you’re throwing a lot of dates at me. Second, I don’t really think as much as I react, so by this time I can already tell Shady Jim has got to go.
- Q: Regarding the decision to fire Mr. Comey: When was it made? Why? Who played a role?
A: As I stated earlier, firing people is my thing. To think that anyone else played a role in this decision is ridiculous and insulting. I did that all by myself.
- Q: What did you mean when you told Russian diplomats on May 10, 2017, that firing Mr. Comey had taken the pressure off?
A: If your trying to insinuate that I feel pressure your wrong. I was trying to take the pressure off the Russians and alleviate their concerns. I don’t feel pressure.
- Q: What did you mean in your interview with Lester Holt about Mr. Comey and Russia?
A: Look I never talked to Lester Holt about the Russia investigation. If you go back and look at the tape you can clearly see that I was talking about the Rusher Investigation which is an entirely different thing.
- Q: What was the purpose of your May 12, 2017, tweet?
A: I wanted the American people to think I had the goods on Shady Jim’s lies. Unfortunately, Shady Jim called my bluff. The important thing to remember here is that there was No Collusion!
- Q: What did you think about Mr. Comey’s June 8, 2017, testimony regarding Mr. Flynn, and what did you do about it?
A: I remember thinking Shady Jim is a liar and honest loyalty isn’t a real thing. Other than that, I really can’t remember that testimony.
- Q: What was the purpose of the September and October 2017 statements, including tweets, regarding an investigation of Mr. Comey?
A: It’s called misdirection. The more bullshit I give you guys to talk about or investigate the muddier the water gets. By the time you figure this shit out I’ll be dead.
- Q: What is the reason for your continued criticism of Mr. Comey and his former deputy, Andrew G. McCabe?
A: They’re both weasels. They’re both liars, leakers and slime balls. That’s a stupid question.
- Q: What did you think and do regarding the recusal of Mr. Sessions?
A: I thought, what a sniveling little shit. This archaic homophobe had his tongue so far up my ass prior to the election and now he wants to act all self-righteous. But I was told by white house counsel that it would look bad to fire him, so I didn’t do anything.
- Q: What efforts did you make to try to get him to change his mind?
A: I threatened to fire his ass if he recused himself, but again the self-righteous son of a bitch just kept on and on about honor and duty and all kinds of other bullshit. I still may fire him though, so this isn’t over.
- Q: Did you discuss whether Mr. Sessions would protect you, and reference past attorneys general?
A: Say what you want about Eric Holder but that was a man who understood the meaning of loyalty.
- Q: What did you think and what did you do in reaction to the news of the appointment of the special counsel?
A: At first, I thought the Special counsel was no big deal. Then I found out they weren’t “special” that they were in fact, very smart people, so I became I little concerned.
- Q: Why did you hold Mr. Sessions’s resignation until May 31, 2017, and with whom did you discuss it?
A: That’s my biggest regret to date as President. I should have accepted his resignation. I can’t remember if I discussed it with anyone or not but if I did I’m sure I didn’t put much stock in what someone other than myself had to say.
- Q: What discussions did you have with Reince Priebus in July 2017 about obtaining the Sessions resignation? With whom did you discuss it?
A: I told Reince since you convinced me not to accept Mr. Magoo’s resignation I’m going to need yours.
- Q: What discussions did you have regarding terminating the special counsel, and what did you do when that consideration was reported in January 2018?
A: As I have previously stated I don’t discuss a lot of things. I’m a leader, I make decisions, I don’t discuss things.
- Q: What was the purpose of your July 2017 criticism of Mr. Sessions?
A: I’m pretty sure I’ve answered this. Had I known Jeff Sessions was going to recuse himself from the Russia investigation I would have made Eric Holder my Attorney General.
- Q: When did you become aware of the Trump Tower meeting?
A: If a meeting happens in Trump Tower I know about it. Trump Tower is an extension of myself, I know myself well. You could say I know myself better than anyone has ever known them selves in the history of the world.
- Q: What involvement did you have in the communication strategy, including the release of Donald Trump Jr.’s emails?
A: Don Jr. is his own man. I can’t be responsible for other people, even if they chose to call themselves Donald Trump Jr. That could be a vanity play on his part.
- Q: During a 2013 trip to Russia, what communication and relationships did you have with the Agalarovs and Russian government officials?
A: I’m a germaphobe I’d never allow peeing to go on around me, besides had I known the Agalarovs were prostitutes I never would have met with them. I’m also pretty sure I didn’t stay overnight.
- Q: What communication did you have with Michael D. Cohen, Felix Sater and others, including foreign nationals, about Russian real estate developments during the campaign?
A: Michael Cohen has done a tiny, tiny fraction of my legal work. He would not have been involved in any Russian real estate deal, unless there where porn stars or prostitutes involved which again proves I had nothing to do with any peeing because Michael Cohen was not involved.
- Q: What discussions did you have during the campaign regarding any meeting with Mr. Putin? Did you discuss it with others?
A: I respect Putin, he’s a strong leader, he knows how to deal with fake news. I hope we become friends, I can lift some sanctions for him, he can deal with the Fake News Media for me. Both countries should do well.
- Q: What discussions did you have during the campaign regarding Russian sanctions?
A: As the incoming President I felt it important to let Putin know I had the power to lift sanctions against his country. I may have dangled the idea that sanctions were on the table.
- Q: What involvement did you have concerning platform changes regarding arming Ukraine?
A: What’s Ukraine?
- Q: During the campaign, what did you know about Russian hacking, use of social media or other acts aimed at the campaign?
A: For all I know the hacking was done by a 400lb guy sitting at home in his mom’s basement. In so far as social media is concerned, Putin and I follow each other on Twitter, that’s it. The rest is all lies. Fake News. There was No Collusion!
- Q: What knowledge did you have of any outreach by your campaign, including by Paul Manafort, to Russia about potential assistance to the campaign?
A: It is my belief that reaching out is good. A lot of people are talking these days about leaning in, but I like to reach out. If you lean in and someone doesn’t reach out what have you accomplished?
- Q: What did you know about communication between Roger Stone, his associates, Julian Assange or WikiLeaks?
A: I don’t know Julian Assange. I do love WikiLeaks. I think they provide the world a valuable service. I can’t be held responsible for Roger Stone.
- Q: What did you know during the transition about an attempt to establish back-channel communication to Russia, and Jared Kushner’s efforts?
A: Jared is my son-in-law and I respect that fact that he gets to have sex with my daughter. I can only hope that she doesn’t hold the back-channel action rumors against him. You should be ashamed for asking that question.
- Q: What do you know about a 2017 meeting in Seychelles involving Erik Prince?
A: I was sick when I heard about Prince. Purple Rain is one of my favorite albums. The black musicians love me. I had nothing to do with this.
- Q: What do you know about a Ukrainian peace proposal provided to Mr. Cohen in 2017?
A: For the last time, whether you call them Russian or Ukrainian I’m not going to admit to anything about a peeing proposal.
While these answers reveal a lack of basic understanding of the principles of government our legal experts believe the President will likely not face charges stemming from this drawn out, multi-million-dollar investigation. In conclusion, he did whatever the fuck it took to get elected. He loves Playboy bunnies, prostitutes and porn stars.
He’s a gangster with tiger’s blood. He has bigger balls than an elephant and more energy than a dragon. He’s Nixon without being Nixon. There’s not a chance in hell he’ll ever resign and he’s your fucking President!