President Trump announced today that he is caving to Chuck and Nancy. The government will reopen immediately. The deal will give our dedicated civil servants three additional weeks to compromise. For the typical Washington civil servant compromise often comes in the form of blackmail.
It is rumored that Lindsey Graham is intending to blackmail Nancy Pelosi. He claims to have a picture of Nancy in a compromising position. This would indicate that a compromise favors Republicans. However, Chuck Schumer plans to blackmail Lindsey by letting him know that he also has pictures. Sources say Lindsey will call his bluff because everybody already knows that he is gay.
President Trump is not waiting around to see if a picture of Nancy in a teddy will result in a deal that will pay for the wall. He announced that he intends to place tariffs on Tequila, Ponchos and Tostitos. He claims this new tariff will pay for the Wall within 6 weeks. Speaking to reporters on the White House lawn he said,
“Americans drink a lot of Tequila, I myself do not drink, but hey… if you drink Tequila…… if you wear ponchos or if you eat Tostitos, guess what, your paying for the fucking wall.”
One reporter asked him why he was placing a tariff on Tostitos, pointing out that they were made in America by Frito Lay and head quartered in Plano Texas. The President responded by saying, “It doesn’t matter, if it has a Mexican sounding name, we may put a tariff on it.”
Chuck and Nancy have taken up position in front of numerous American flags. They vow not be blackmailed and will stay frozen in place for the next three weeks. They claim it was the calming effect they showed in rebutting the Presidents address to the nation several days ago that got this non-deal done.
It is uncertain whether Congress will come up with a compromise before tariffs go into effect or if President Trump would even relent if they do. It is however being reported that Tequila and Tostitos are flying off the shelves. Many liquor and grocery stores are completely out of stock and some consumers are complaining. The good news? Ponchos are still available at a truck stop near you.
The Grim News Reaper is intended for a mature audience.