The New England Journal of Sexual Science released a report today that claims self appointed heterosexual men are coming in and out of closets all across America. They are doing so by declaring their sexual desires for the very first time. The report stated that regardless of the potential for ridicule these brave men are announcing proudly that they enjoy inserting their penises into vaginas, preferably women’s.
Bill Jenkins of Big Bear, Texas said, “I use to be ashamed to come out as a straight heterosexual man, but not anymore. I’ll just come right out and say it. I’m proud to be heterosexual. I like fucking women!”
The Sexual Pleasure Preference Research Institute of America which studies the sexual preferences of every single American released a statement, “We have always suspected that there were a great number of men whose sexual pleasure was directly tied to putting their penises inside of vaginas. These men coming forward to verify this nuanced approach to sexual gratification regardless of how horrifying is very helpful to our research.”
The statement did caution against drawing definitive conclusions, “However until we can verify with each individual that “penis inserted into vagina” is the only act that gives them sexual gratification we will have to assume that they are not necessarily heterosexuals.”
When asked to explain, Bob Peters a spokesman for SPPRIA said, “Well, we’ve polled half of the women in America (no pun intended) and we found that 71% reported that their male sexual partner had inserted or tried to insert a finger into their anus at some point during their relationship. As a result, one must conclude that a good percentage of these men are too embarrassed to try to insert a finger into a mans anus and are therefore acting out on their homosexual tendencies with their female partners. However, since these men are willing to fuck their female partner in order to explore these homosexual tendencies we can’t necessarily call them queers either.”
Bob had plenty more to say, “As social scientists our job is to study the exact manner and methods in which individuals achieve orgasm and classify them accordingly. We call this the Scientific Sexual Method.”
Clearly prepared Bob offered scientific evidence through analogy example methodology.
“I’ll give you an example, if you are a man and if even for just a second you have ever thought to yourself, if I had to fuck a guy it would be (insert a famous hot guy here) (pun intended) well, your fucking gay. That’s just science. Conversely if you are a woman and you get aroused at Tuesday night Book Club, well, your a fucking lesbian.”
However, GNR learned that there are very important distinctions. A lesbian who has never allowed a penis to enter her vagina is classified as a Gold Star lesbian whereas a lesbian who has allowed a penis to enter her vagina is classified as a Progressive. This Progressive classification is very desirable for today’s modern classifier. Bob Peters said, “This scientific data should encourage all women to fuck both men and women without discrimination. When we discriminate in any fashion the Republicans win, we can’t let that happen.”
He added “I’m sure heterosexual men everywhere would agree.”