It has been rumored that Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein suggested wearing a listening device, so he could record President Donald Trump’s alleged erratic behavior. Supposedly he wanted to gather evidence for the President’s cabinet, so they could invoke the 25th amendment. Today we found out that not only are these rumors true, there is more to the story. This is how it went down.
The mission duped operation “Ass Listener”, was a black op that involved only a handful of people within the Justice Department, particularly the FBI. The operation was so Top Secret that Dr. John Marquette of Lawrenceville, Kentucky was brought in to perform a procedure on Deputy Attorney General Rosenstein that would insert a listen device into his rectum. This would make it virtually impossible for the Secret Service or anyone else to detect the device.
Rosenstein was fearful of using a Justice Department doctor because he believed the President had infiltrated the organization to the point of some Department employees actually following Presidential orders. Dr. Marquette was a roommate of Rosenstein during their undergraduate days. Sources say Rosenstein felt he could trust Marquette with this important mission. That trust was betrayed.
It seems over the years when they kept in touch, Dr. Marquette may have exaggerated his post graduate credentials. Rosenstein was under the impression that his friend was an actual doctor. As it turns out, he is a veterinarian.
After the device was inserted, Rosenstein met with the President in the oval office. He was in for a surprise when the President insisted that they have lunch together. Things went from bad to worse when the President announced it was Taco Tuesday and served Rosenstein an extremely spicy black bean salsa.
Unfortunately for Rosenstein, Dr. Marquette had used a surgical tape during his procedure often used on dogs. Dogs chew on sutures and Dr. Marquette has had great success preventing this by using “Doggie Stiches” surgical tape. This was a problem though because the surgical tape in question was for external use only.
Not wanting to be rude Rosenstein ate two tacos. Moments later the surgical tape literally came unglued. He rushed to the Presidential bathroom without even excusing himself. Three days later FBI officials found the listening device in the Potomac river.
The only thing retrievable from the device was Dr. Marquette’s nurse, Sarah Williams, saying, “I don’t think this tape will hold this thing in this guy’s ass…” Nothing else was recorded.
Presidential Cabinet members denied any knowledge of the operation.
The company that makes Doggie Stiches surgical tape released a statement stating that when used correctly Doggie Stiches do their job.
Not to be deterred by the failure of a single mission sources say that Rosenstein is currently working on an operation called “Hearing Nips”. Reportedly Rosenstein will have both nipples pierced and the new listening devices will be integrated into the nipple rings.
The Grim News Reaper is intended for a mature audience.